How to Deal
by DarkSoleil
Summary: Life gives you bumps along the way. Thankfully, we are all here to witness Sasuke's tricks to surviving them. 2: When intruders come along...
1. Lack of Supplies

_Theme: Salmonella and Tomatoes don't mix.  
_

_Pairing: Implied Sasuke x Sakura._

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything._

* * *

_When Life Lacks Supplies...: _

When Sasuke enters his home he begins his usual routine. Thus routine consisted of the removal of his shoes –_Sakura did not approve of dirt_- first and foremost. He always removed his Anbu vest and rested it neatly on the small table by the door, knowing that she would pass by and pick it up as a habit.

He'd greet his children, as a personal enjoyment, and ask about their day. His wife would usually walk by and give him a quick kiss because Haru had dirtied something -_it was his favorite hobby- _and run off quickly.

After his social responsibilities were done with, he'd walk to the refrigerator and get his favorite snack. Tomatoes were a staple of his life. After getting his tomatoes, he'd walk outside and watch his children train.

That's exactly where he should be right now. Except, certain points of his routine have been interrupted. Firstly, his wife was not home. Neither was Haru. This meant they were together. His other 3 children were all home.

Writing off his mental checklist…he'd already greeted the eldest children…he'd done everything previous to that. Everything ahead of it however, was tampered with.

-_where were his tomatoes?- _Sakura had mentioned she was going to re-stock today. Early in the morning. It was way past that.

He can't function without his tomatoes. "Aria." His eldest always knew where they were.

While he waited for her arrival he thought of possibilities. Could his wife be on a meeting? No…she would have never taken Haru. Naruto _did_ often ask her to bring him along, though…

The dobe never did know when to stop stalking his god-children.

"Yes, dad?"

He looked at his daughter, "Where is your mother?"

She looked confused, "She said she was going to the market with Haru. Why?" Was that a smirk on her face?

"There aren't any tomatoes in the refrigerator." Yes, that was a smirk.

"Oh. Haven't you heard?" Heard what?

"Heard what?"

They both turned they're heads to the screen door as Sakura and the small toddler walked in. He ran to his father, gurgling some nonsense, and fell on his padded bottom in the process.

Sasuke looked at his wife, and the bags that she carried. He was disappointed. "Did you buy tomatoes?"

She look sheepish. "Haven't you heard, Sasuke?" What was this nonsense?

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard of this mystery topic."

She smiled at him, "There's a salmonella outspread."

Who cares? "That affects our tomatoes supply, how?"

"Well, darling, that salmonella is in the tomato."

"What tomato?" He wasn't feeling to well about the direction of the conversation.

"Every tomato, Sasuke. I'm not buying you any tomatoes until they have it all cleared up." What? Why? Had she gone mad?

"Have you gone mad, woman?"

She gave him a face. _The_ face. "No, _man. _I am in no way mad. I am the medic, mother, and cook of his household. No tomatoes."

Leaving a sulking Sasuke in the living room, he watched as she walked merrily off into the kitchen. There was just no way. Salmonella? In his precious tomatoes?

No, they'd never do that to him.

He'd find out who did this.

He was an avenger._ A tomato avenger._

* * *

_If you couldn't already tell, this is absolute crack. Bwahahaha, I don't honestly expect Sasuke to react like this. Only a little bit. Hehe. I wrote this because of the current salmonella outbreak in tomatoes in the U.S. I thought of Sasuke first and foremost. Next up: Sasuke and Sakura deal with intruders on their favorite training spot._

Until Next Time,

Darkofthenight.


	2. Intruder Alert

_Theme: Prank._

_Pairing: Implied Sasuke x Sakura._

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything._

_Warning: Minor Adult Themes...so, kiddies, don't be offended. It's implied. _

* * *

Ever since Sakura had re-discovered her sense of humor –_did she have one?- _as a result of years of Naruto's companionship, Sasuke knew he was in for trouble.

Although…Naruto had probably affected him too, considering he was standing alongside her in this nonsense. Did they _really_ have to hide behind an overgrown rock? Honestly? Why wasn't Naruto here?

* * *

_"We need to run them off or something." He ignored her._

_"Sasuke?"_

_"Yes…Sakura?"_

_"We need to run them off, it's getting ridiculous."_

_"Why? Let's just move."_

_"**No**, this is **our** training spot."_

_"How?"_

_"What?"_

_"How is it **ours**?"_

_"Because I say it is!"_

_"Oh."_

_"Yes."_

_"Well, then, what are you going to do?"_

_"Me? What am 'I' going to do? I think you mean what are '**we' **going to do."_

_"No, I mean, what are you going to do?"_

* * *

His hand was hurting already, -he never did have good chakra control- and his headache was starting to build up. Somehow, he ended up throwing the punches. So what if Sakura could break the boulder? She should control her temper…

Although…he rather punch the boulder than scream obscene noises. He was a respectable man, not a pig.

"Oh! Sasuke!"

Sasuke paused his punching to look at her with a shell-shocked face. This was not a part of the plan.

He wanted to kick her grin, or just walk away. She shouldn't be laughing; laughing was not in the contract.

She snorted, "Oh, Sasuke! Oh, yessss."

He tried to kick her, but she laughed harder. "Ohhhhh, Sasukeeeeeeeee-kuunnn….!"

* * *

_"All you have to do is punch the thing."_

_"What thing?"_

_"The boulder."_

_"Why?"_

_"So they get the illusion!"_

_"What illusion?"_

_She looked at him then, as if almost deciding…"Sasuke, darling…if I'm screaming like a maniac…and your punching a boulder…what illusion does this create?"_

_"That your pelvis is ground into the rock?"_

_She snorted, "Yes."_

_"Why?"_

_"So they don't come back!"_

_"…."_

_"I'm not taking this too far, Sasuke."_

_"…."_

_"I'm not."_

_"…."_

_"Sasuke!"_

_"I'm not saying anything."_

_"Exactly."_

_"…."_

_"Pervert."_

_"….I didn't come up with the plan."_

_She ignored that._

* * *

He looked at her, "Are they gone?"

"No." She motioned for him to slow down, and so he did. "Sasuukeeeee, oh darling…oohhh…"

She made a scene to sound breathless, "oh…."

They stopped any movement.

"I think it worked."

"…"

"I don't sense them."

"That was uncomfortable."

"Aw, poor little Sasuke's been turned into a dirty boy."

"…I'm not…"

"C'mere and I'll make it feel all better!"

"Sakura!

She just kept laughing.

* * *

Several miles away, two men stared at each other, breathless.

"Gai-sensei?"

"Yes, Lee?"

"Can we not go back there?"

"Yes, Lee."

* * *

Aw, poor Lee and Gai. Yes, I'm a pervert. I warned you. Hehe. Next Chapter: I don't know. bwahahaha, I'll see. Chaos Ensues. Please **Review**.


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